Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

I have dreams. Dreams that haunt and mock me with their unfulfilled potential. Not like night terrors or anything. No one usually wakes up battered or bleeding, although I did rip the crap out of Brad's back once during a nightmare where I was being attacked (damn CSI!).

Friday night,  I went to the movie,  Bad Moms.  I have literally never LOL'd so hard in my whole life. But more than that,  my heart commiserated, my soul was inspired, and I found hope.  Day after day, post after post, you see people in all their perfection.  Happy vacations, joyous birthdays, proud graduations, blessed births. The real is left somewhere in the shadows, and often I'm left wondering if I'm the only one who cries in a pile of Oreos after putting my kids to  bed or who wants to kick my husband where it counts sometimes. I know I'm not. We all do, but we leave that mess for ourselves.  

So this is where my dreams come in.  We all walk a thin line of compromise and guilt.  In between work and commitments for the kids and family/household duties no one is getting 100% but often the one left feeling neglected, unfulfilled,  and lost is me. For a long time I've walked (run) through a routine that I've barely stopped to think about. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I love my family.  I LOVE my kids. I LOVE my husband. But I don't love "me". I'm not being self deprecating. I don't have low self esteem. What I mean is, I can do so much more. I can be so much more. I can give so much more. To myself. The speed at which its all rushing by is dizzying and its time to STOP. To take back control and quit the meaningless day to day grind. I'm not sure exactly how thats done, but I mean to find out.

I love the bad and the crazy of my life.  I'm okay with it.  Bad Moms taught me to how to reconcile with all that and it inspired me to grab MY LIFE for myself and start a more fulfilling journey.  I don't have many more answers than I started with. I'm not sure I have much more courage,  but I have a lot of determination, an awesome family,  and a few baby steps.