Best of Intentions
All the best intentions. Thats my life. I'm going to (fill in the blank) more or better. Thats my life, be it cook, pray, clean, run,eat, play with Piper, appreciate Brad, water my flowers, organize, decorate, craft. Whatever it is, my life is the story of shoulda, coulda, woulda.
I read a blog post yesterday ( http://www.butlerpartyof2.com/2012/07/being-godly-wife.html ) which inspired me (yet again), but at the same time gave me this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me feel like (yet again) I have failed miserably in life. Not only as a wife, but just as a person. Like there is so much more I should be doing but I'm either not driven enough or just too lazy or blase to make these things happen.
That sounds so melodramatic and self-loathing, which really isn't me, but it leaves me feeling woefully inadequate. It's like junior high where all the girls are prettier than you and they laugh as you walk by. Thats the feeling it gives me. There are always all kinds of excuses and most of them are legit, but all people hear when you say those things are "bu- i- you- there-".. Nothing but stammering excuses, and no one cares. And I don't blame them. But it doesn't change the fact that some of these "hurdles" seem insurmountable and to get over one or all would take a huge leap. How do you know if that first leap is the right one?
In her blog, she says that if you let him, God will lead you right where you need to be (paraphrasing). She meant it more towards finding your mate in life, but I think insinuating in general. So what if I've blocked him from leading me and I've taken the wrong path. How do you know? Do I turn around? Do I continue on this same path hoping God leads me from here? I know no one can answer these questions directly. Its more rhetorical/abstract and I have to look to God for these answers. I've always felt like my "approach" to my faith is sound. I believe in God, full stop. But its the spiritual well-being "follow through" that I feel like maybe is lacking. Like there's that higher state of "spiritual being" that I haven't achieved. If I obtain that, will the rest of my issues fall into place?
These aren't things that I spend all day (or really even more than a few minutes at a time) contemplating. I'm not depressed or forlorn or anxious. Just curious, frustrated and annoyed at times, guilt ridden occasionally. Like I said, like maybe I'm missing out on so much more.
She also mentioned that in her blog.. that "the grass is greener on the other side" dilemma. Again, I think she was referring to marriage and fidelity, but I think the concept applies here too. Do I worry about what I'm missing out on just because I don't want to miss out on it? I don't think so. I don't consider myself jealous. I'm envious of other people who appear to have it all, but not so naive to think they really do. Glass houses and all that. I feel disappointed maybe, because I feel like I could be better, but I'm standing in my own way because I don't have the courage or strength to change the way things are. I'm worried that I'm inadequate for the people I love, and even myself. Not "what am I missing out on because I need to have/be/see everything " but just a general wanting to be wholey satisfied and content with myself. Like that feeling you get when you run and work out really hard. Like you've bettered yourself. How much of that am I missing out on, and where do I begin to achieve it. Most people would read this and say "what's stopping you?"
I feel like its so simple and so complicated completely simultaneously. The obvious place to start would, again, be prayer and guidance from God, but without going in a circle please re-read 3 paragraphs up. I know the only way to get there, is to just immerse myself in it. It for sure won't happen if I don't start somewhere. Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe I want answers/change/progress/peace of mind (and gut) now, and its probably not possible.
Maybe the solution is finding contentment with who I am the way I am, and once I've found that, I'll find the drive to make improvements, because I'll know that its because I want to be better; not because I'm unhappy with who I am.
I read a blog post yesterday ( http://www.butlerpartyof2.com/2012/07/being-godly-wife.html ) which inspired me (yet again), but at the same time gave me this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me feel like (yet again) I have failed miserably in life. Not only as a wife, but just as a person. Like there is so much more I should be doing but I'm either not driven enough or just too lazy or blase to make these things happen.
That sounds so melodramatic and self-loathing, which really isn't me, but it leaves me feeling woefully inadequate. It's like junior high where all the girls are prettier than you and they laugh as you walk by. Thats the feeling it gives me. There are always all kinds of excuses and most of them are legit, but all people hear when you say those things are "bu- i- you- there-".. Nothing but stammering excuses, and no one cares. And I don't blame them. But it doesn't change the fact that some of these "hurdles" seem insurmountable and to get over one or all would take a huge leap. How do you know if that first leap is the right one?
In her blog, she says that if you let him, God will lead you right where you need to be (paraphrasing). She meant it more towards finding your mate in life, but I think insinuating in general. So what if I've blocked him from leading me and I've taken the wrong path. How do you know? Do I turn around? Do I continue on this same path hoping God leads me from here? I know no one can answer these questions directly. Its more rhetorical/abstract and I have to look to God for these answers. I've always felt like my "approach" to my faith is sound. I believe in God, full stop. But its the spiritual well-being "follow through" that I feel like maybe is lacking. Like there's that higher state of "spiritual being" that I haven't achieved. If I obtain that, will the rest of my issues fall into place?
These aren't things that I spend all day (or really even more than a few minutes at a time) contemplating. I'm not depressed or forlorn or anxious. Just curious, frustrated and annoyed at times, guilt ridden occasionally. Like I said, like maybe I'm missing out on so much more.
She also mentioned that in her blog.. that "the grass is greener on the other side" dilemma. Again, I think she was referring to marriage and fidelity, but I think the concept applies here too. Do I worry about what I'm missing out on just because I don't want to miss out on it? I don't think so. I don't consider myself jealous. I'm envious of other people who appear to have it all, but not so naive to think they really do. Glass houses and all that. I feel disappointed maybe, because I feel like I could be better, but I'm standing in my own way because I don't have the courage or strength to change the way things are. I'm worried that I'm inadequate for the people I love, and even myself. Not "what am I missing out on because I need to have/be/see everything " but just a general wanting to be wholey satisfied and content with myself. Like that feeling you get when you run and work out really hard. Like you've bettered yourself. How much of that am I missing out on, and where do I begin to achieve it. Most people would read this and say "what's stopping you?"
I feel like its so simple and so complicated completely simultaneously. The obvious place to start would, again, be prayer and guidance from God, but without going in a circle please re-read 3 paragraphs up. I know the only way to get there, is to just immerse myself in it. It for sure won't happen if I don't start somewhere. Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe I want answers/change/progress/peace of mind (and gut) now, and its probably not possible.
Maybe the solution is finding contentment with who I am the way I am, and once I've found that, I'll find the drive to make improvements, because I'll know that its because I want to be better; not because I'm unhappy with who I am.
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